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04 October 2005 @ 11:56 am
The weekend was amazingly draining and now it's tuesday and I realize I have an english paper due tomorrow. Plus I'm scheduled to work like 30 hours this week, which may not seem like a lot to full timers out there, but when you're taking fifteen hours of classes, it starts to get stressful. I'm not stressed yet, I'll wait until tomorrow. I like these moments of bliss where everything is comfortably distant. Yeah, I have a paper due, but it's not due until tomorrow, so why worry about it today?
August was fucked up this weekend and told me he loved me. But he's supposed to be straight and he was kind of flying high at the time so I didn't bring it up again later. That's why I hate turning anything down and I hate being sober at these things. Because it's not so much that I can't have fun, but when everyone else is tripping it's nerve wracking. Watching them act the way they do, it's freaky. I'd rather be with them because the view from without is definitely too much.
Just for curiosity's sake I went to starbucks at around the same time yesterday, he wasn't there. Don't know why I expected him to be.
Current Mood: calmcalm
30 September 2005 @ 08:37 pm
I spent the day at starbucks. I had only stopped in for a caramel frap, but I ended up staying for two hours watching this guy work on calculus or trig or something equally useless. Every few minutes I would get up like I was about to leave, but I couldn't stop.
I've never thought that I'd be into the brainy type. But this guy, I don't know.

But I'm supposed to be asleep, the only reason I'm home right now is because I have to get up early tomorrow morning. August is coming around 6.
Current Mood: coldcold
29 September 2005 @ 08:43 pm
August called, and this weekend me, him and Adam are heading to San Diego for the weekend to see Adam's current girl-thing and her band perform at some club. Of course, I have to work saturday night, but fuck it. I'm just going to call in, I haven't missed work in ages. Well, not in the past two months anyway.
Adam's still trying hard to get over Lin, Miss Stuck-on-herself-uppity-priss-bitch. She acts like we're still in high school, like "oh my god, every little fuck up that comes my way is a MAJOR disaster and life as we know it is going to end."
I never liked her, mostly because her brother is fuck-all creepy, but she was always with that popular clique and god knows I hated that popular clique.
Now who's dwelling on high school?
August might get some X, but I'm supposed to be trying that whole dry thing. To prove I don't need drugs to have a good time, I guess. August's point is, yeah, you can do it, but why feel compelled to? To prove that you can function in a straight world?
Current Mood: busybusy
Current Music: Mogwai - Kappa
28 September 2005 @ 09:05 pm
Yesterday morning I woke up with a bitter taste in my mouth and I knew it wasn't going to be a good day.
Car broke down on the way to work at a stoplight today, and there were people honking at me like somehow, I don't know, I did it on purpose. I was in the left lane, with left turners on my left and another lane on my right between me and the shoulder, so there was no way I was pushing it out of the way. So instead I just grinned and waved at people as they stared at me since, of course, no one stopped to help. I don't think it even crossed their minds, or if it did, it quickly left when it became a matter of convenience.
Got to work. And, if I didn't already have an inferiority complex bartending at a strip club, today I felt especially frumpy and ordinary. Not sure why, it's not like the dancers are exceptionally good looking--some are pretty ugly, and god knows the customers are nothing special. But it was one of those days, I felt fat. And sick. And ugly.
So when I got home around 1 I took a couple valium to try and get to sleep, but Aaron called and hearing his voice just totally fucked me over. Apparently he's discovered he's straight and he's totally in love with this Jessica. She's pregnant, not with his baby, but he wants to adopt it and be its father and yadda yadda, this that and the other is going great for him. Like I need that, like I need that reminder after he decided I just wasn't worth the hassle.
The problem is that I really liked Aaron, he wasn't anything special but there was something about being around him that was exciting. I just feel like everyone in my life has no problem moving on, except me.
So I didn't get a lot of sleep. I woke up this morning and found out my fish is dead, cos that's what happens when you forget to feed it for weeks on end. As if to drive home the point that I just can't care for another creature because I'm so fucking self absorbed.
Current Mood: grumpygrumpy
26 September 2005 @ 06:19 pm
Yet another long, boring surveyCollapse )
26 September 2005 @ 05:34 pm

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band

Created by glitterxvomit and taken 601 times on Bzoink

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band...
BandThe Doors
Are you male or female?Back door man
Describe yourselfAwake
How do some people feel about you?The Changeling
How do you feel about yourself?Wishful sinful
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriendSomeday soon
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriendLove her madly
Describe where you want to beWaiting for the sun
Describe what you want to beThe end
Describe how you liveTake it as it comes
Describe how you loveMy wild love
Share a few words of wisdomPeople are Strange

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to Bzoink

20 September 2005 @ 11:12 pm

LJ Interests meme results

  1. cats:
    cats represent this dichotomy of beauty and evil. It's fascinating. That and my nickname is "Kitty".
  2. chuck palahniuk:
    Chuck Palahniuk is one of the greatest writers I've ever read, his ability to make everything, whether that be eating your ass or reciting a lullaby, both beautiful and disturbing is amazing.
  3. david carradine:
    Cracked out actor who played Bill in Kill Bill. One of the few really old guys I'd do.
  4. ecstacy (the drug):
    I've only actually done this twice, but I'm sure it was a very memorable experience. ...Now if only I could remember it.
  5. fags:
    I love the word "fag", but please: I'm only half fag, half hick.
  6. i heart huckabees:
    "So you come to my work and say you're my fucking existential detectives? I'm lucky if I'll last another day!"
  7. johnny depp:
    I don't think I really have to go into detail on this one. Johnny Depp is hot as a pirate, and he's hot as Hunter S. Thompson.
  8. merleau-ponty:
    Merleau-ponty is probably my favorite philosopher, next to Nietzsche. I haven't actually read more than 20 pages of "Phenomenology of Perception" but...I intend to...
  9. neutral milk hotel:
    A friend of mine got me into them a few years ago. The singer's voice is so horrible it's wonderful.
  10. phenomenology:
    A nihilist buddhist phenomenologist? No such thing.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: Kanojo - Glay
20 September 2005 @ 10:52 pm
Today I caught a few minutes of this show on TLC that talked about the gendered differences in thought processes and brain activity. Apparently, men use their left brain predominantly for language and verbal skills, while women use both right and left. Women, when listening to either men or women, use the same part of their brain. Men, when listening to other men, use the part of their brain that is associated with facts. When men listen to women, however, it's the same part of the brain that's involved with music and melodies.

Suddenly everything made so much fucking sense.
19 September 2005 @ 06:37 pm
I had a dream last night about my mom. Not my god fearing, bible thumping, psychotic foster mom, but my real mom, the one I don't remember. She looked kind of like Yeo Woon-kye, and we were sitting on this street curb, just talking. Not sure what happened after that, but somehow we ended up in Walmart and she was shoving all these different kinds of tampons in my arms and telling me to be prepared, be prepared, be prepared, while I kept trying to tell her that guys don't need tampons.
I woke up with this sick sensation in my stomach, my fingers itching, like I was coming down off something. I smoked two cigarettes to calm down and then just decided to get up, since it was 4:00 am and in two hours I'd have to get up to get ready for work--and it takes me about two hours to fall asleep.

Anyway, it was a shitty start to a monday and I'm not really surprised that statistically most suicides occur on mondays. The prospect of getting through yet another week, and for what? The weekend? I just wonder sometimes if living is this hard for everyone, or if it's just me. I'd give anything to just be, without any of the extra baggage that comes with being human.

I say all this because I'm going through a withdrawal from casual sex.

Which reminds me, I need to call August.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Grateful Dead - Not fade away
17 September 2005 @ 09:49 pm
Can't stop taking surveysCollapse )